This year has been one of growth. I have to say that I have found myself. I am still terrfied of myself though but have learned just who I am and how to cope with me. I think by finding yourself you begin to change both negative and postive things. You build on the positive and try your hardest to change the negative. During this process you also make new friends, lose friends, and strengthen current relationships.
The past 6 years of my life have been the most trialing and also had some of the best memories one person could have ever asked for. I also think that I have been through some of the most hardships any young person could go through. Although I can stand here and say that a lot of it has made me stronger, I can't say that I understand why I had to endure some of the great pain that I have. They say that sometimes on this side of heaven you may never know.
One of my biggest pet peeves is people trying to tell you how it will be OK, or that you have to go through it all for some greater reason. What if there is no greater reason? No one person handles the exact same situation the same so I wish people would stop judging me or telling me how to react.
But this year has brought some wonderful things too. Some people that were placed there maybe for just a season or a moment in time to be there and some that have carried over in to being long term friends. I kinda see that there is a road and I am getting back on that road. I hope that things get better and can only hope that some things will start to make sense soon.
This though as been one of the hardest Christmases since my mom died. My grandmother is sick and it's hard that she was in the hospital and I did not get to spend it with her. It's also hard that I was sick and practically alone and miserable for much of the holiday. But I am thankful for the people who were there for me and especially Jerry, the crude and sometimes asshole guy... that magically turns into my prince charming and is sticking by my side. Love with a twist ;) Maybe that is what I have needed all along.... as the saying goes... You may not always get what you want, but you get what you need. Not to say I don't want him, but I think I have finally realized I need someone who is actually going to be there for me and not leave me hanging. Someone who at the end of the day wants me by his side and no one else. It takes a real man to want this. I have that now. I am blessed and that is all I know. Maybe that is enough to keep me going and knowing that God is in control and is going to bless me and always be on time. :)
