Closing Time

This year has been one of growth. I have to say that I have found myself. I am still terrfied of myself though but have learned just who I am and how to cope with me. I think by finding yourself you begin to change both negative and postive things. You build on the positive and try your hardest to change the negative. During this process you also make new friends, lose friends, and strengthen current relationships.

The past 6 years of my life have been the most trialing and also had some of the best memories one person could have ever asked for. I also think that I have been through some of the most hardships any young person could go through. Although I can stand here and say that a lot of it has made me stronger, I can't say that I understand why I had to endure some of the great pain that I have. They say that sometimes on this side of heaven you may never know.

One of my biggest pet peeves is people trying to tell you how it will be OK, or that you have to go through it all for some greater reason. What if there is no greater reason? No one person handles the exact same situation the same so I wish people would stop judging me or telling me how to react.

But this year has brought some wonderful things too. Some people that were placed there maybe for just a season or a moment in time to be there and some that have carried over in to being long term friends. I kinda see that there is a road and I am getting back on that road. I hope that things get better and can only hope that some things will start to make sense soon.

This though as been one of the hardest Christmases since my mom died. My grandmother is sick and it's hard that she was in the hospital and I did not get to spend it with her. It's also hard that I was sick and practically alone and miserable for much of the holiday. But I am thankful for the people who were there for me and especially Jerry, the crude and sometimes asshole guy... that magically turns into my prince charming and is sticking by my side. Love with a twist ;)  Maybe that is what I have needed all along.... as the saying goes... You may not always get what you want, but you get what you need. Not to say I don't want him, but I think I have finally realized I need someone who is actually going to be there for me and not leave me hanging. Someone who at the end of the day wants me by his side and no one else. It takes a real man to want this. I have that now. I am blessed and that is all I know. Maybe that is enough to keep me going and knowing that God is in control and is going to bless me and always be on time. :)

What is going on with the world...

I am so blessed lately. I have had so many opportunities come my way and I have found doors opening like crazy for work and school, yet somehow I still feel lost and depleted. I try to gain my closeness to God but so many things prevent me from being able to grow. It's mainly been other people. I know my relationship with God is my own and personal, but it's hard to have my faith to grow and prosper when the very people that are claming God's name are the very people who judge me, ignore me, and won't give me a chance.

I am not the only person who feels this way. There are many people who have had their faith affected the same way due to those who claim to be Christians. I am by no means trying to judge or say I am better, if you truly read this above you will notice I say that my faith has been shattered. I don't do what I need to do, but search for it every day. I am trying to build my faith back to where it use to be. I know humans are not perfect and I should not base my faith on other's but it's pretty hard not too when people surround you and affect everything around you.

I have many things yet to accomplish. I still haven't found what I am looking for but I know that some day I will have everything I have ever wanted. I still have a small amout of faith left. I can't wait to see where this world takes me.

Imperfect perfection

So the other day I allowed myself to totally become someone that I never wanted to be. I was offended beyond belief because someone posted very wrong and horrible things about me on facebook and I finally defended myself. I said some very harsh words out of hurt and anger. I can not believe that there are actually people in this world that are so vindictive. When is it wrong to finally stand up for yourself and have words come out because of so much bullying over many years? How many times can you just keep turning the other cheek? Jesus said to always turn the other cheek but because of my imperfections, the other day I just could not do this. It was the last straw with this person.

I find myself each day with people in my face it seems trying to tell me how to change and live my life. I have people that don't understand my constant struggle and fight in this life. There are those that are the select few who have walked on the path beside me and seen everything first hand. They have seen my fight, seen me lose almost every battle, and seen that instead of me being a drama queen ( which sometimes yes I am this) I in fact have circumstances that are completely out of my control. I have dealt with these situations to the best of my ability. A lot of times falling flat on my face and finding it hard to get back up again. But some how I slowly stand up shake the sand off my knees and keep on trying.

I have found that I don't have all the answers to my own problems, but I am handy in helping my friends. I have so much more postive to offer if someone would half way give me a chance. I have been given so many blessings and chances and at the same time I am being held back in so many ways because of people being judgemental. I am not perfect but yet sometimes I fcel that is what is expected of me. All I can be is this imperfect creation that was designed by God. I am who I am.... and lately I am very much content with the imperfect person that I am, because I know God loves me. If He looks down on you and loves you anyway... what else is there to concern yourself with?